Awkward Turtle!

I had my appointment today!  Pretty excited / nervous for this appointment, but all went well!  I had some blood drawn and then an ultrasound.  The ultrasound was to check the thickness of my lining.  The nurse said everything looked great and we're all set for our 1pm transfer next Thursday!  I was relieved to hear that things would be moving forward on the day that the calendar originally stated... less than a week!

Now onto the title of this post! I had to have Corey meet me at the clinic to sign the frozen embryo consent form - legal stuff.  We had to sign the sheet in front of a notary aka the front desk lady.  Somewhat of a wasted trip for him, but I promised that I would take him out for lunch!  We went practically next door to El Rodeo a Mexican restaurant.  In less than 10 minutes after we were seated, they sat down a few staff members from the clinic at a table right behind me!  So out of the 6 people sitting at this table, 1 of them was an outcast as I know he doesn't work at the clinic but the other 3/5 have seen my goodies and the other 2 have vampired my arm for blood... as the post says... this was a little bit of an awkward turtle.  Not knowing what the proper protocol was for this situation, I didn't make eye contact and smiled as we got up to leave - didn't want to seem like a total wench...

I've been trying to find things to keep my preoccupied to not think about the upcoming events, that I went ahead and caved in... and bought the 50 Shades of Grey trilogy.  I was mildly thinking that this would give me something to do while I'm supposed to be lounging next Thursday and Friday.  I found that lounging while you're not really sick is a hard thing as so many things and ideas run through your head - what could I be doing while I'm at home and not at that thing called work... hrm...  Back to the books, so I bought them via Itunes and started reading them on Tuesday evening.  I just finished the first book tonight... I'm not sure that I'll have anything left to read by next week and I can't seem to stop reading!  I really want to know what is going to happen next and I am having a hard time putting the "book" down!  Last night I had to quit as my phone battery was drained - HAH!

Before the excitement on Thursday, I have to get through the dreaded progesterone shots.  The intramuscular shots in my "butt" region are not very much fun, contrary to popular belief!  I start the shots on Saturday evening.

Hope you enjoy your long weekend!  I'll be enjoying a long weekend, a 2 day work week, and another long weekend!  Just as I told Corey tonight... I'm High!! I'm high on life that is...

Until next time,
Love,
ALJ

Riding High

I am going to assume that no news is good news!  I had my appointment on the 9th for a blood draw to check my estradiol level, but didn't get any information back from the clinic.  The 13th brought the first day for the Vivelle skin patches.  This time around I have to wear two and change them every 4th day.  I was itching (literally) to get the patches off the morning of the 4th day.  I don't recall having an itchy feeling the first time I wore them?!  My last Lupron shot is on the 23rd and I'm definitely looking forward to that!  I forgot how sensitive my tummy gets with all those needle pokes!  Just even a brush of the hand hurts a little!  My next milestone is the 30th for an ultrasound, blood work, sign the consent form for the frozen cycle, and pay my part of the frozen transfer fees.  I misread my calendar and thought I would have to pay on the 9th, but I got a extra bonus of a couple weeks before shelling out the cash. 

The roller coaster is riding high.  I felt great today, in fact the best I've felt in quite a while and I'm not sure why, but I felt refreshed, happy, and full of energy.  I accomplished quite a bit at work this week and things have been looking up in the work department - hopefully a much deserved raise will come soon as well...(fingers crossed)! 

Don't forget next weekend is the 3rd Annual Jamison Fish Fry! Come on out and join us for food, friends, and fun!

Familiar Territory

Yesterday brought the first Lupron shot since the first part of May.  The first shot was a little tough to get right back into the groove!  I drew up the shot and danced around for the next 5 minutes trying to get myself ready.  I had to leave the kitchen and go watch the women's gymnastic team win the GOLD medal in the team event.  I told myself that if the women's team could pull together and get things done, then maybe I should just follow their example!  So, I went back to the kitchen and 1, 2, 3, and done!  Tonight was better and I only hesitated once. :)  I have a feeling that the next couple nights will be even better.  Pretty excited again to get things headed in the right direction.  The next milestone is my appointment next Thursday the 9th for some blood work to check my estradiol level as well as paying my 20% co-payment for the cost of the FET (frozen embryo transfer). 

Next update after the 9th - can't believe August has arrived already!

ALJ

Relax

I can finally relax! I tried not to get impatient, but I hate not knowing where I'm going and what is ahead! I called my nurse Nicole at the clinic Monday and inquired about how long you wait to get your cycle after taking the progesterone pills. She was out of the office, but called me Tuesday and left a message. She said that your cycle can take up to 14 days to start after taking the progesterone, and mentioned that if I was at the 14 day point to call back, otherwise keep on waiting! If I could have only waited one more day....! Day one of the 2nd round of in vitro officially started Tuesday! I called Nicole today and left her a message. I said in the message that I was just testing her knowledge about the progesterone pills... Mentioned day 1 and thanked her for calling me back and being patient (something I'm still learning hah)! She called back and said she had to laugh at my message and that the same thing happens to quite a few people. She said she'd get my handy dandy calendar ready and send 'er to me. First two weeks will probably be birth control and a baby aspirin. Third week will start the Lupron subcutaneous stomach shots. Who knows after that as we're doing a frozen cycle this time. I am looking forward to more structure and dates to check off the calendar! I am excited to go back to Bauders Pharmacy to not only get the drugs but mostly excited for the old fashioned malts!!! Yes, I'm going to indulge.

Waiting Waiting Waiting!

Still waiting for my cycle to start in order to kick start this second round !  I ended up taking the progesterone pills on the 4th to hopefully start my cycle, but that didn't work how I envisioned!  I believe that my nurse Nicole mentioned that some time could pass before you have your cycle after finishing the progesterone pills, but can't really remember how long she mentioned.  So, I called today and left a message as she was out of the office.  I am very frustrated with my body and do not understand why things have been so difficult!  So, times like this I go back to the email that my mom sent me, which was a daily note she received.  Check the note out below... Maybe you can relate?

Sometimes God Says 'Not Yet'
by Rick Warren

If you're discouraged because of God's delay in answering your prayers, understand the delay is not a denial. Just because the answer hasn't come yet doesn't mean God isn't going to answer or that he's forgotten you or that he doesn't care about you.
It simply means "not yet"!

Part of becoming spiritually mature is learning the difference between "no" and "not yet," between a denial and a delay. The Bible tells us, "He who is coming will come and will not delay" (Hebrews 10:37 NIV).

God's delay may be a test of your patience. Anybody can be patient once, and most people can be patient twice. A lot of us can even be patient three times. So God tests our patience over and over and over.
Why? So he can see how patient you are? No!
He does it so you can see how patient you are — so you know what's inside you and your level of commitment. God tests you so that you know he is faithful, even if the answers you seek are delayed.

If you're discouraged, turn it around by remembering God teaches you patience during delay. Ask him to transform your discouragement into patience.

Talk About It
Spend some time in prayer about a specific situation where you feel God is delaying his response to your request. Ask him for patience, and trust in his sovereignty.

Moving On

Moving on forward!  C and I met with Dr. Young on the 14th to talk about moving forward.  We have 5 frozen embryos to utilize!  The doc also mentioned that we had 5 frozen eggs... which was news to me!  The 5 frozen embryos were a relief to me knowing that this second time around wouldn't involve as many shots and all of the fertility drugs to pump up my ovaries!  The 5 frozen eggs were such a bonus!  Gave me even more hope that we won't need to do the fertility drugs.... ever again? 

I knew that we'd have to take a month off from everything, so the waiting game again has tested my patience.  Hopefully, things will start up again somewhere around July 2nd.  I have to wait until my cycle starts before starting on the 2nd round of in vitro.  If my cycle doesn't start on it's own the doc gave me a prescription for progesterone to kick start 'er.  As soon a things start up, I'll start birth control pills.  After about a week and a half of that I'll start on the small subcutaneous Lupron shots in my stomach.  Again, Lupron basically puts my body in a stall position to get things just right to insert the embryos.  I'll also be starting on 2 patches of estrogen.  The first ivf cycle I only used 1 estrogen patch, but with the frozen cycles they prescribe 2 patches.  I won't have to do as many blood draws or ultrasound scans this time around, which will be a little bit easier.  

I think I've finally snapped out of my 'funk.'  I somewhat feel as though I was addicted.... if that's what addiction feels like?  The only thing that consumed my entire life for the past 3 months (well honestly longer than that... but this is the closest we've been) has been in vitro and the thought of starting a family!  Every time I turned my head I saw billboards, commercials, movies, fliers, magazines, and pregnant women... I forget what that phenomenon is... so you buy a new vehicle and all you see is the same exact model / make as your vehicle, but before you bought vehicle you never noticed that make / model on the road.  Anyways, I couldn't get the thought out of my mind - pregnant, pregnant, pregnant.  Work wasn't and hasn't been enjoyable during this entire time either, and has been somewhat of a drag.  I wanted to be anywhere but work, but all I did at home was sit around and worry about in vitro - would it be successful, and why did things not work out?

I think things are turning in a good direction.  I give thanks to all of my family and friends who have helped me through!  While Saturday, June 2nd was probably the worst day of my life, I have been reminded and I have reminded myself that I have so much to live for as well as so much to look forward to in the future!  So here's to the future...!

PS, if you haven't already marked down on your calendar... August 25th... the last Saturday in August is the Annual Jamison Fish Fry! Hope to see you all there :)

Until next time,
love,
ALJ

BFN

I've been reading a few online forums and websites and they all use acronyms for everything!  BFN also known as Big Fat Negative.  For those of you who really know me, I definitely would substitute a different word for the F, but I think just about everyone can figure that one out!  Unfortunately, on Saturday I received the call from my nurse at the clinic.  I could tell by the first words she spoke that her news wouldn't be good.  She told me that my hCG (Human Chorionic Gonadotropin) level was at a 2, which was way too low for me to be pregnant.  A hCG level of less than 5mIU/ml is considered negative for pregnancy, and anything above 25mIU/ml is considered positive for pregnancy.  My levels should have been significantly higher as I waited three weeks instead of testing at the two week point.

In other words this ivf cycle did not work.  Nicole, my nurse, said that the next step was to set up an appointment with the doc at the clinic in this next week and discuss our options for the future.  I'm not really sure what else she said during the phone call... after the words "that level is too low for a successful pregnancy," I kinda stopped listening.  I do recall her saying that the next time around would be "easier" as I won't have to have as many drugs to prepare my body, but that the prescriptions would be slightly different than this first time around. 

To say I was devastated would the biggest an understatement of the year.  I'm not sure if I am just a little naive or what...at first I always assumed that having kids would be easy, and would happen immediately... now I thought that ivf would just work, it had to right?  Everything was perfect, everything went well... but what happened?!  There are probably a million and a half scenarios that have already gone through my head as to why things went the way they did, which is probably why I have 2 cold sores on my bottom lip... a little stress maybe???? Unfortunately, I don't think I can sit around and  keep trying to figure out what happened, as I'll probably never know.  All I do know is that something must not have been right, there has to be some reason as to why this time around didn't work. 

Well we'll see what the doc has to say....!

Let the waiting game begin again! Until next time,
ALJ