Three steps forward... one HUGE step backwards.

I'm not even sure where to start... but I guess I'll give 'er a shot by starting where I left you all in my last post.  At our second ultrasound 10/15 @ 11:40, the nurse didn't have good news.  Baby J didn't show any growth nor show signs of a beating heart.  While we knew that the doctor was concerned about the previous ultrasound and the low heart beat, we still had hope for the best.  October 15th... the day that the nurse told C & I that our Baby J was gone... at approximately 7 weeks old.  October 15th... is also the official date of Pregnancy and Infancy Loss Remembrance Day.

I had no signs or symptoms of a miscarriage at all... Dr. Young gave us the option to wait for a natural miscarriage or go forward with a D&C (Dilation & Curettage).  After hearing the news from the nurse and discussing things with Dr. Young, I knew that I couldn't go back to work.  I came home and that afternoon C and I took a ride in the truck with piglet (aka Max) and talked about our options.  I called Dr. Young on Tuesday morning to let him know that I had decided to go ahead with the D&C procedure.  For my own mental stability and emotional state, I knew that I couldn't sit around and wonder when things would naturally take their toll.  Wednesday afternoon I was scheduled for my surgery.  Things went as well as they could for that situation and I didn't experience much pain from the procedure.

Almost 4 weeks have passed and every day has been a challenge.  I feel like I've been through all 5 stages of grief... and some days I pass through all of them... and other days I revert back to the beginning.  One of the hardest things to do is to wake up every day and go into work, be out in public places, etc. and pretend that everything is okay.  I think the biggest thing at the moment that has me hung up, is trying how to physically remember our Baby J.

Last Monday 11/5, C & I met with Dr. Young for a follow up / a where to go from here appointment.  We still have 3 frozen embryos and 5 frozen eggs to work with.  Next step is to wait for my cycle to start.  After that will be the same thing as last time: birth control pills, Lupron shots, estrogen patches, progesterone shots and then the frozen transfer.  Looks like the transfer will be around the first of the year if not shortly after that if things go well.

I for one am hoping for 3rd times a charm... guess we'll see...

Uuntil next time,
ALJ